Grief is funny. It has a way of tainting things. Today is Easter, a time of joy in Christ's resurrection. But today is also the 9 year anniversary of Aaron's birth/death. Every time someone has told me "Happy Easter" today, I've felt a punch in the gut, because I'm not happy. I'm sad. I found this quote the other day:
"I don't think most people truly understand how much is lost when a baby dies. You don't just lose a baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old (they) would have been. You lose Christmas mornings, loose teeth, and first days of school. You just lose it all." - Unknown
If Aaron had been born with his eyes open, he would be in 3rd grade. But that's all I know. I don't know if he would have been a math kid, a reading kid, a theater kid, a sports kid... I'll never know. Every time I start to wonder and imagine what he'd be like, I'm reminded that if he were here, Caleb would not be. When I imagine what life with Aaron would be like, I'm imagining a life without Caleb. And that's a sucker punch.
I know that Easter is a time of joy. But today I just want to grieve. Grieve the life taken too soon, all of the things I've missed and the piece of my heart that will not be whole until we are reunited in Heaven.
