Last night, my son, Noah, graduated from preschool. He will start kindergarten at my school in August. While its an emotional thing anyway, last night was especially hard for me. I dreaded it all day. You see, we've known about this graduation for many months. It was always going to be a week after Aaron was born, and it was going to be my first "outing" with my infant. Of course, I wasn't there with my baby next to me. Instead, my baby was the one graduating. I only have one baby boy instead of two, and he's not much of a baby anymore.
God was there, though. On the way to graduation, I saw my first butterfly. Granted, it was sitting on a trash can, but it was still a butterfly! Then, decorating the door that was right behind where Noah sat for graduation, were butterflies. When I noticed them, I felt a sense of peace. God was there, wrapping me in his arms, telling me that it would be alright. The whole time I watched Noah, I also saw butterflies.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
I don't blame God...
This week has been especially difficult for us. Wednesday was supposed to have been my last day of school, and we were supposed to have welcomed Aaron into the world on Friday at noon. Of course, none of that happened.
When we first lost Aaron, we heard from LOTS of people. I mean, LOTS. We were getting cards, books, e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. on a very regular basis. And then that weaned off. On one hand, I completely understood! Everyone had lives to go back to. They didn't need to think about us all of the time. Their lives hadn't really changed. On the other hand, it made me MAD! My life didn't get to go back to normal. I still had bad days...
Anyway, that's how I felt this week. And then we got some last minute books (more about this later) and messages. Thursday evening, Marty and I were out listening to Adam Hamilton (he writes a lot of our Sunday School curriculum). When we got home, our front yard was full of butterflies. Someone (we now know who!) had showered us with love, right when I/we needed it most!
Often times people say things like "It was meant to be" or "It happened for a reason" in situations like ours. They mean well, but I don't agree. I do NOT believe in a God who plans that involve loss like our's. What I DO believe in, is a God who knew it was going to happen and put so many people and things in place to make sure that we knew we were loved and taken care of. If we had lost Aaron just one day later, Marty wouldn't have been in town. He would have missed the whole thing. Our incredible pastor's son just happened to have a headache in the middle of the night and wake her up. Because of that, she got Marty's phone call, and was able to come to the hospital immediately and be with Marty while I went back for my C-Section. God made sure that he wasn't alone. And really, through all of this, we've never been alone. In my lowest points, someone has sent me a text saying they were thinking/praying for me. Or books have showed up on the front porch.
God can take our pain and suffering and show us the good, the blessings, and even the joys, if we choose to look for them. We decided very early after we lost Aaron that instead of flowers we wanted people to donate new books. We were going to collect them and take them to a local children's hospital that our older son had "visited" a couple of times. I honestly didn't think we would get 100 books. On Friday, the day Aaron was scheduled to be born, my family donated 324 brand new books to the hospital. 324. That's 324 kids who will be given a book in their time of need. 324 kids who will smile because of our friends and family. Marty and I didn't purchase a single of one those books. And we still have money that was donated for us to buy books. Some of that will be used to purchase magazine subscriptions for the hospital. The rest will be saved until next year, when we do it all over again. You can't tell me that God wasn't at work in that.
I don't blame God for the awful things that happened to us. I blame God for the amazing things that have come out of it.
When we first lost Aaron, we heard from LOTS of people. I mean, LOTS. We were getting cards, books, e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. on a very regular basis. And then that weaned off. On one hand, I completely understood! Everyone had lives to go back to. They didn't need to think about us all of the time. Their lives hadn't really changed. On the other hand, it made me MAD! My life didn't get to go back to normal. I still had bad days...
Anyway, that's how I felt this week. And then we got some last minute books (more about this later) and messages. Thursday evening, Marty and I were out listening to Adam Hamilton (he writes a lot of our Sunday School curriculum). When we got home, our front yard was full of butterflies. Someone (we now know who!) had showered us with love, right when I/we needed it most!
Often times people say things like "It was meant to be" or "It happened for a reason" in situations like ours. They mean well, but I don't agree. I do NOT believe in a God who plans that involve loss like our's. What I DO believe in, is a God who knew it was going to happen and put so many people and things in place to make sure that we knew we were loved and taken care of. If we had lost Aaron just one day later, Marty wouldn't have been in town. He would have missed the whole thing. Our incredible pastor's son just happened to have a headache in the middle of the night and wake her up. Because of that, she got Marty's phone call, and was able to come to the hospital immediately and be with Marty while I went back for my C-Section. God made sure that he wasn't alone. And really, through all of this, we've never been alone. In my lowest points, someone has sent me a text saying they were thinking/praying for me. Or books have showed up on the front porch.
God can take our pain and suffering and show us the good, the blessings, and even the joys, if we choose to look for them. We decided very early after we lost Aaron that instead of flowers we wanted people to donate new books. We were going to collect them and take them to a local children's hospital that our older son had "visited" a couple of times. I honestly didn't think we would get 100 books. On Friday, the day Aaron was scheduled to be born, my family donated 324 brand new books to the hospital. 324. That's 324 kids who will be given a book in their time of need. 324 kids who will smile because of our friends and family. Marty and I didn't purchase a single of one those books. And we still have money that was donated for us to buy books. Some of that will be used to purchase magazine subscriptions for the hospital. The rest will be saved until next year, when we do it all over again. You can't tell me that God wasn't at work in that.
I don't blame God for the awful things that happened to us. I blame God for the amazing things that have come out of it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
The end and the beginning
Everything changed for my family at about 12:05am on April 9, 2014. I woke up at midnight to roll over. At 32 weeks pregnant, this happened several times every night. Before I fell back asleep, though, I felt like something was wrong. I rushed to the bathroom as a large gush of blood escaped my body. I woke Marty up, and within an hour we were headed to the hospital. We were under the impression that our precious baby boy would be joining our family earlier than planned. We were wrong.
Upon getting to the hospital, 4 nurses, 2 doctors and 2 sonograms spent an hour trying to find a heartbeat. Finally, we accepted the truth. Our baby was gone. Within an hour and a half, I was headed back for a C-Section to remove the lifeless body from mine. It all happened so fast, I don't think it really sank in.
Later that morning, we decided to hold our baby boy and spend some time with him. Before this, I thought it would be crazy to want to hold a dead body. But I'm glad we did it. I'm also grateful that there is a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that takes professional pictures of babies in our similar situation. We will cherish these pictures forever.
We spent the next several days planning a funeral and trying to come to terms with the abrupt change in plans that had been dealt to us. No parent should ever have to bury their child, especially one whom they never got to meet. I don't know what color his eyes were, or whether he was a daredevil. I only knew what he felt like inside of me. Marty and Noah will never know him.
A friend of mine gave me some excellent advice that I think about every day. She told me that sometimes, all you can say is "This sucks" and it just does. It's not fair. We will probably never know the reason our precious Aaron Jacob was taken from us way too early. It just sucks.
Upon getting to the hospital, 4 nurses, 2 doctors and 2 sonograms spent an hour trying to find a heartbeat. Finally, we accepted the truth. Our baby was gone. Within an hour and a half, I was headed back for a C-Section to remove the lifeless body from mine. It all happened so fast, I don't think it really sank in.
Later that morning, we decided to hold our baby boy and spend some time with him. Before this, I thought it would be crazy to want to hold a dead body. But I'm glad we did it. I'm also grateful that there is a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that takes professional pictures of babies in our similar situation. We will cherish these pictures forever.
We spent the next several days planning a funeral and trying to come to terms with the abrupt change in plans that had been dealt to us. No parent should ever have to bury their child, especially one whom they never got to meet. I don't know what color his eyes were, or whether he was a daredevil. I only knew what he felt like inside of me. Marty and Noah will never know him.
A friend of mine gave me some excellent advice that I think about every day. She told me that sometimes, all you can say is "This sucks" and it just does. It's not fair. We will probably never know the reason our precious Aaron Jacob was taken from us way too early. It just sucks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)