Today was an interesting day...

Why? Well, first I need to give you some background information. A couple of weeks before we lost Aaron, we adopted a puppy. Crazy, I know, but we did it anyway. We'd been watching for just the right dog to come along, and when it did, we'd adopt it. Abby was that dog. She was about 6 months when we got her, part Jack Russel, Rat Terrier and Beagle. She's crazy. But we loved her immediately, and she loved me. (She loved Marty too, she just liked me more.) The day we lost Aaron, Abby was scheduled to go to the vet to be fixed, have a hernia repaired and possibly have surgery on her leg. My wonderful in-laws took care of her for a few days after her surgery, while we were still in the hospital.

When I came home, Abby came home. I came home empty-handed, without the baby I was supposed to have. (On a side note, it was VERY difficult to get in the car and pull away from the hospital. It was VERY real at that time.) Abby was my baby. All of the days I sat at home by myself, I had Abby to "take care of". And she took care of me. She kept me occupied. She kept me from sleeping all day. She distracted me.

Last week, before we left for our vacation, we took Abby to a Pet Resort. She was going to be boarded there while we were gone, AND attend a doggie boot camp. She desperately needed training, and our traveling during the next few weeks was the perfect time. She'll be there for 6 weeks (now, 5 weeks).

After we left Galveston, we went to my parents' house in Houston for a few days. We then left Noah there for Vacation Bible School at my parents' church. Marty and I spent Monday and Tuesday working around the house without our helpers. We were busy enough that we didn't have time to think about how much we missed our Abby and Noah.

But today, Marty went to work, and I stayed home. I was home alone, without ANYONE to take care of. While that may seem like a dream to some, it left me lost. I had to work very hard not to cave in on myself. I tried not to think about Abby, and I tried even harder not to think about Aaron. And I survived.

I know that Abby was put at that adoption event at Tractor Supply, and Marty happened to notice her as he drove past on the way to Home Depot, for a reason. God knew that I was going to need that puppy. He knew I was going to need someone to care for, and he provided. I survived today because I'm getting better. I'm moving on. God has given me the strength to keep going.


(On a side note, yes, we still have our 10-year-old cat Spaz. He requires nothing, so I don't think about having to "take care" of him.)

Working on being grateful...

My family (husband and son) are currently on a family vacation at the beach. You see, Noah has been asking to go to the beach for months. Originally we weren't going to be able to go, because we would have a newborn. Within hours of losing Aaron, we knew that we HAD to take a family vacation to the beach and began planning. That's how we got here. It's not the fanciest vacation, and definitely not the nicest. But it's just the 3 of us- something we haven't ever done. While sitting on the beach this morning, we saw a butterfly. It was a reminder to us that Aaron is here with us, too.

It was nine weeks ago today that we lost Aaron. In that time period I've had SEVERAL friends have happy, healthy babies. In the next few weeks, several more friends and family members will have happy, healthy babies. It's easy (very easy) to get stuck in a woe-is-me mindset when they post pictures of their beautiful babies. I start to get angry - why do they get to have their babies? Why do they get to hold them, and listen to the scream, and have them fall asleep in their arms? Why didn't I get that? It's not fair. While I'm happy that they have healthy babies, I've chosen not to say anything to them. I quickly scroll past their pictures on Facebook. I avoid conversations in person. I'm working on being happy for them. I really am. The two hardest ones are coming later this month.

One is a friend from college. We've deemed ourselves "pregnancy soulmates" because we were pregnant with our first children together (they were due a few weeks from each other), we both were pregnant and miscarried within a month of each other, and we were due again within a month of each other. Out of three pregnancies she will have 3 children (the first ones were twins). Out of my 3 pregnancies, I have 1. While I am excited for her (I truly am), it still sucks. It's still not fair.

The other is my cousin. She's is having her first child in a few weeks. It will be the second great-grandchild for my grandparents. Again, I'm happy for her, I really am. It's fun to watch first-time parents be excited. But it sucks, and it's not fair. 

Life sometimes sucks. and it's not always fair. But I'm working on being okay with it. I'm working to see the good that comes with the bad. I would NEVER wish what happened to us to happen to anyone else. I'm GLAD that it hasn't happened to any of my other friends and family. Those are things to be grateful for. Seeing a butterfly while sitting on a beach during a vacation that wasn't supposed to be, reminds me that even when life sucks, even when it's not fair, there are things to be grateful for. I'm working on it.