Not entirely what you think...

My son starts kindergarten tomorrow. I've had true anxiety about it for weeks. Every time I think about it, my stomach ties itself in knots. I'm not a crier, at all, but I've choked up and cried more times in the last week than normal. You see, it's not just because my son had his last week at daycare, or that he went to meet the teacher, or even that he will start kindergarten in the morning. It's because my BABY had his last week at daycare. My BABY had meet the teacher. My BABY will start kindergarten in the morning. It wasn't supposed to be that way. My big boy was supposed to be starting kindergarten, and my baby was supposed to be going to the sitter's.

It feels wrong, but there are days that I don't think about Aaron. I know it happened, but it doesn't feel like it happened to me. As milestones happen though, like starting kindergarten, it all comes back. The unfairness of last April rears its ugly head.

I know, without a doubt, that my son will be loved. I know, without a doubt, that he will be educated. I also know, that after tomorrow, it will be easy.

For now, though, tomorrow is looming. I'm not sure if it's a positive or a negative that he's at my school. I'll walk him down to his classroom, and then have to put on my smile and greet my new class of 4th graders. I don't get very long to cry. Just like in April, life is going to move on.

So remember, as you see people upset about their child starting kindergarten, or just starting a new year, and they seem a little too emotional, that there may be more to the story than you know.

Cracked Pots

I went on a church women's retreat this weekend. The theme was how we are all cracked pots. I completely related with the speaker we had. Here is my big take-away from the weekend.

In Jeremiah, it says that we are clay vessels (I prefer this instead of pots), made by God, to be filled with God's love. We are the clay, and God is the potter. He works to form and mold us into the perfect vessel for his love. Sometimes its not fun to be poked, prodded, pinched and pulled. It's not fun to be spun on a never-ending wheel. It's certainly not fun to be put into a fiery furnace. Life also pokes, prods, pinched and pulls us. Life doesn't slow down and just keeps going, like the wheel, and we face incredible temptations in the fiery furnace. Eventually, though, we are perfect vessels. God fills us with his love, and puts us on display for the world to see. We are beautiful.

And then Satan comes along and knocks us over. Sometimes we have a small crack, sometimes a little chip falls off. But sometimes we are shattered into millions of pieces. God then picks us up and puts us back together. He uses the glue of family and friends, and even strangers to hold the pieces together. We are never the perfect vessel again.

But now, where there are still tiny cracks, God's love is able to shine through. Instead of just being full of God's love, we are better able to share it with the world. We are even more beautiful with God's love shining through.

For 31 years, God formed me. He poked and prodded, pinched and pulled. He made me a perfect vessel for His love. And then Satan came along and took Aarons's life. He pushed me off that shelf and I shattered into millions of pieces. But God picked all of those pieces up. He used friends, family and strangers to put me back together. Now, through my testimony, and my day-to-day life (and hopefully this blog), His love shines through.

Satan can try to destroy our faith. But each time he does, we only end up with more cracks for God's love to shine through.

"Change my heart O God,
Make it ever true.
Change my heart O God,
May I be like You.

You are the potter,
I am the clay.
Mold me and make me,
This is what I pray.

Change my heart O God,
Make it ever true.
Change my heart O God,
May I be like You."