Working on being grateful...

My family (husband and son) are currently on a family vacation at the beach. You see, Noah has been asking to go to the beach for months. Originally we weren't going to be able to go, because we would have a newborn. Within hours of losing Aaron, we knew that we HAD to take a family vacation to the beach and began planning. That's how we got here. It's not the fanciest vacation, and definitely not the nicest. But it's just the 3 of us- something we haven't ever done. While sitting on the beach this morning, we saw a butterfly. It was a reminder to us that Aaron is here with us, too.

It was nine weeks ago today that we lost Aaron. In that time period I've had SEVERAL friends have happy, healthy babies. In the next few weeks, several more friends and family members will have happy, healthy babies. It's easy (very easy) to get stuck in a woe-is-me mindset when they post pictures of their beautiful babies. I start to get angry - why do they get to have their babies? Why do they get to hold them, and listen to the scream, and have them fall asleep in their arms? Why didn't I get that? It's not fair. While I'm happy that they have healthy babies, I've chosen not to say anything to them. I quickly scroll past their pictures on Facebook. I avoid conversations in person. I'm working on being happy for them. I really am. The two hardest ones are coming later this month.

One is a friend from college. We've deemed ourselves "pregnancy soulmates" because we were pregnant with our first children together (they were due a few weeks from each other), we both were pregnant and miscarried within a month of each other, and we were due again within a month of each other. Out of three pregnancies she will have 3 children (the first ones were twins). Out of my 3 pregnancies, I have 1. While I am excited for her (I truly am), it still sucks. It's still not fair.

The other is my cousin. She's is having her first child in a few weeks. It will be the second great-grandchild for my grandparents. Again, I'm happy for her, I really am. It's fun to watch first-time parents be excited. But it sucks, and it's not fair. 

Life sometimes sucks. and it's not always fair. But I'm working on being okay with it. I'm working to see the good that comes with the bad. I would NEVER wish what happened to us to happen to anyone else. I'm GLAD that it hasn't happened to any of my other friends and family. Those are things to be grateful for. Seeing a butterfly while sitting on a beach during a vacation that wasn't supposed to be, reminds me that even when life sucks, even when it's not fair, there are things to be grateful for. I'm working on it.