I don't blame God...

This week has been especially difficult for us. Wednesday was supposed to have been my last day of school, and we were supposed to have welcomed Aaron into the world on Friday at noon. Of course, none of that happened.

When we first lost Aaron, we heard from LOTS of people. I mean, LOTS. We were getting cards, books, e-mails, messages, phone calls, etc. on a very regular basis. And then that weaned off. On one hand, I completely understood! Everyone had lives to go back to. They didn't need to think about us all of the time. Their lives hadn't really changed. On the other hand, it made me MAD! My life didn't get to go back to normal. I still had bad days...

Anyway, that's how I felt this week. And then we got some last minute books (more about this later) and messages. Thursday evening, Marty and I were out listening to Adam Hamilton (he writes a lot of our Sunday School curriculum). When we got home, our front yard was full of butterflies. Someone (we now know who!) had showered us with love, right when I/we needed it most!

Often times people say things like "It was meant to be" or "It happened for a reason" in situations like ours. They mean well, but I don't agree. I do NOT believe in a God who plans that involve loss like our's. What I DO believe in, is a God who knew it was going to happen and put so many people and things in place to make sure that we knew we were loved and taken care of. If we had lost Aaron just one day later, Marty wouldn't have been in town. He would have missed the whole thing. Our incredible pastor's son just happened to have a headache in the middle of the night and wake her up. Because of that, she got Marty's phone call, and was able to come to the hospital immediately and be with Marty while I went back for my C-Section. God made sure that he wasn't alone. And really, through all of this, we've never been alone. In my lowest points, someone has sent me a text saying they were thinking/praying for me. Or books have showed up on the front porch.

God can take our pain and suffering and show us the good, the blessings, and even the joys, if we choose to look for them. We decided very early after we lost Aaron that instead of flowers we wanted people to donate new books. We were going to collect them and take them to a local children's hospital that our older son had "visited" a couple of times. I honestly didn't think we would get 100 books. On Friday, the day Aaron was scheduled to be born, my family donated 324 brand new books to the hospital. 324. That's 324 kids who will be given a book in their time of need. 324 kids who will smile because of our friends and family. Marty and I didn't purchase a single of one those books. And we still have money that was donated for us to buy books. Some of that will be used to purchase magazine subscriptions for the hospital. The rest will be saved until next year, when we do it all over again. You can't tell me that God wasn't at work in that.

I don't blame God for the awful things that happened to us. I blame God for the amazing things that have come out of it.