It's Been Three Years

It's been three years since we lost Aaron. Most of the time, that feels like a life-time ago. But for the last few days, it's felt like yesterday. I've laid in bed the last few nights reliving every detail. And wondering "what-if". I know that I shouldn't play the "what-if" game, but I don't know how not to. I wonder "What if the doctor's had been able to tell something was wrong when I was at the hospital a few weeks before due to bleeding?" "What if we had made it to the hospital sooner?" and the dreaded "What if I hadn't rolled over?" 

Noah and I were talking about Aaron the other day. He asked me if Aaron had lived, if we would have Caleb. The answer is no. If Aaron had been a normal birth, then I would have had my tubes tied then, and we wouldn't have Caleb. So then I get caught in this guilt trap of wishing that we hadn't lost Aaron. By doing that, am I saying that I don't want Caleb? That's definitely not the case, of course. 

But I wonder about him: what kind of personality he would have, what he would look like, whether he'd be potty training...

I want Caleb to grow up knowing who Aaron was. I know that he's not old enough yet to understand, but I talk about him. I wear a butterfly necklace regularly. Caleb LOVES to hold the butterfly. I have to remind him not to pull it, but usually he just holds it. I like to think that he knew Aaron before we did. That he has a little bit of a connection with him.

The Easter season is always a tough one for me. On one hand I get frustrated with the idea of resurrection, both Lazarus and Jesus. While I was holding my life-less baby in my arms, I was BEGGING for him to breathe, to move just a little, to flutter his eyelids. But it didn't happen. On the other hand, I know that Jesus' resurrection gives hope. Hope that one day I WILL get to see that little boy again, and hold him close and know who he is.

Enough rambling for today. I need to be better at writing more often. I regularly have ideas to write about, but I never take the time to sit down and do it.